There had definitely been a time it was the most accurate term. But it had grown from there, and even if they weren't having sex, Billy didn't love the assumption that they were to have that association make it seem like some kind of power imbalance.
Billy considered, lips quirking in amusement at 'paramour'. "...I kind of like partner. Feels like we're a team." Which they are.
"Are we not?" The way they were a team had changed, of course, but at the heart of it was still the respect and care with which they had treated each other from the beginning. The Soldier still vividly remembered the sheer relief in Billy's face when he had acknowledged that Billy's powers were the direct cause of that weird warping of reality, instead of pushing it under the platitude of not meaning it. Maybe some would consider it cruel but the Soldier had recognized that Billy needed the plain truth in that moment.
"Maybe it's easier for me," he admitted, stroking lightly along Billy's side. "I don't need the labels. I could argue that most of my time here has been spent trying to shake off the labels others would give me. But if having a label, even if it's private to the two of us, would help settle your mind, we should choose one."
He laughed softly and nodded his head with a smile. "Best team," he agreed, grateful for all those dark times Soldier's helped him through, and sad for the times he's helped Soldier. They held each other up when things got bad.
"Heh," Billy was well aware of Soldier's dislike of labels. Even 'Soldier' was a label, and one Billy still felt distantly weird about. It had become a name by now in his mind, but occasionally he mourned for Soldier not having something kinder to be called.
"I think it would help," he agreed, "I didn't need it before now, I might not need it again, but having one if I do would help."
"I am happy to be a team with you." Not just in the sense of their relatively new relationship, but in the trust and respect they had for each other. The Soldier had not gone easy on Billy, especially when Billy asked for training, and he would not have blamed the young man for walking away. But he had stuck through it, and stuck through the Soldier's own difficult attitude.
He made a thoughtful noise, then turned to brush his lips across Billy's hair. "Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and relax. Imagine that we're not in some alien spaceport trying to find supplies to repair a ship, but instead we're somewhere, anywhere else. Together. What word would you use?"
The gesture made Billy smile, and he closed his eyes as instructed, taking a slow breath and trying to picture them somewhere else. Somewhere safe. Mostlyy. With a little bit of adventure now and then. He imagined Soldier a little looser, more free.
"...Partners," he said, more sure now than before. It felt right for them.
"Then that's what we are." Simple as that, no overly complicated reasoning needed. Perhaps Billy's frustration would settle some with the definition and allow him to relax even more. "Does that feel better?"
"Can I open my eyes again?" he asked, all ready peeking with one eye before he got an answer to turn and press a grateful kiss to Soldier's cheek. "It feels better. I feel better. You always make me feel better."
"Maybe," he replied, letting Billy steal the kiss against his cheek, adjusting the arm draped around the other man's waist to pull him closer. "Was that the only thing bothering you?"
Snuggling in close, Billy hesitated momentarily before answering honestly, "Just- Tommy things. Nothing serious. He's just...frustrating some times? Like he wants something from me, but no matter what I say it's not right? And he wanted me to take a memory from him with my magic..." Which was a line Billy wasn't prepared to cross, and it clearly touched a nerve.
"Do you think he's self defeating? Determined not to be happy because he won't or can't conceive of it?" In a way it could be a survival mechanism for being stranded on a planet not their own by aliens who possibly weren't truthful about their circumstances. But it could also be Tommy's own stubbornness; the Soldier didn't know him well enough to say.
His arm tightened protectively when Billy mentioned his brother's request, and the Soldier shifted subtly, but enough that should something come bursting into the room with the same request, the knife he had hidden at the head of the bed would be through the person's throat in a matter of seconds. "You said no of course." He felt relief that Billy shared his opinion of the request. "Is he the sort who would ask again?"
"Oh definitely. Which I get. Or...I try to get. But it's impossible to help him when he gets like that, and then we just...argue and I feel like a jerk." Both were probably true, honestly, Tommy's past and this place combined to make him extra stubborn and extra self defeating.
Billy's gaze shifted softly to Soldier's eyes to reassure him, lifting his fingers to pet lightly over his jaw. "I said I don't do that, and never to ask me again. I don't think he will. Tommy doesn't ask for my magic usually. I don't even know if he was serious, but-"
"Would it work to just shut down the conversation when he starts to argue?" Maybe if Tommy realized that Billy didn't want to argue, he'd stop some of the behavior. Or it could have the opposite effect and he'd lean more into the idea that he could never be happy because even his brother wouldn't talk to him. It was a tough situation to navigate.
He leaned into that soft touch, closing his eyes just for a moment to focus on Billy's fingers. "But you shut it down before it could get to the point of a real suggestion. I'm proud of you."
"Maybe...but it feels like we don't talk and then when we do there's so much that's been left unsaid and-" It was weird. Suddenly having family appear in your life. Half the time they were as close as possible, and the other half like old friends you see updates on Facebook about. "...it's probably just normal brother stuff. I don't know. My little brothers and I didn't fight like this, but they're younger. They just got on my nerves. Did you-?" Billy started and abruptly cut off the question as to whether Soldier had siblings at one point.
He stroked soothingly, and smiled, just watching Soldier's face for a moment, before carefully tucking his hair back behind an ear. "Thank you. I'm...proud of me to," he admitted with a laugh.
"I don't know," he answered Billy quietly. "I have almost no memories of my early life, and very few before I was drafted." Billy could probably extrapolate that the few memories he'd regained weren't the most pleasant; his time with HYDRA still dominated over them all.
Eyes fluttered closed, enjoying the touch for a moment when Billy brushed his hair back. He'd had it trimmed back, still on the long side but cleaner than years on the planet with little in the way of grooming services. "I'm glad."
"It's okay," Billy answered automatically. Not...okay. It wasn't okay what they'd taken from him.
He liked seeing him like this though. Relaxed. Vulnerable. Trusting. He pet through his hair in silence for a moment, just studying his face. "...love you," he murmured softly.
"I'm sorry I don't have much to share." He never would, he thought; there would always be gaps. The things he did remember were hardly fit for pleasant conversation. Hopefully Billy didn't find it too off-putting.
He couldn't answer those words, and hoped Billy wouldn't find that off-putting either. But he had a feeling that his partner understood, at least in that particular sentiment. Instead he brushed his lips against Billy's forehead again, allowed Billy to continue his explorations. Hopefully it was enough.
"It is important that you're feeling more settled too." The agitation of earlier seems to have seeped out of Billy and the Soldier was glad that he could bring his companion some peace. Having Billy close didn't feel suffocating either.
"Ask me something else instead," he offered. "Something you don't know."
Something else. Billy considered with a thoughtful hum.
"What's your favourite place you've ever been?" he asked finally, thinking it was a safe enough question, not tied too much to his past but pushing just a little for Soldier to express preference which he knew could be difficult for him.
"Ever?" It was a harder question than Billy might have intended and the Soldier idly stroked his thumb against Billy's side as he thought. The breadth of the question made him really have to examine it instead of giving Billy an easy answer.
"I remember traveling through Europe," he finally answered. "I hiked a lot, or hitched a ride on a freight train where I could. There were some peaceful times there, good scenery and quiet. I could almost forget I was on the run sometimes. It was a nice feeling."
"That sounds nice," Billy agreed, trying to picture it, "I saw a few places in Europe when we were looking for Wanda. It's got a whole different vibe from New York." He could understand why Soldier would feel safe there.
"I don't know. I didn't really read much, on the run. Newspapers, sometimes." Books didn't travel well; they took up precious space when one had to carry his entire life in a single backpack. He kept barely anything in the way of possessions back then, just what he could carry to move fast.
"Would you like to read more?" Billy asked, trying to sound neutral, but very clearly excited about the possibility of being able to recommend or even just help Soldier find some good books. "Got lots of time to ourselves these days."
"Maybe." They'd have plenty of work to do when they got back, especially if they were building a cabin. Reading might become an activity for the colder months, or inclement weather days. "You know that having quiet downtime never lasts for us. But you could recommend me something."
It was true, both their own plans and those of the forces that brought them their would likely call their attention away again before long. "I don't know if you're as nerdy as me, but I really liked the Lord of the Rings. Or um...maybe something more classic? Shakespeare?"
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Billy considered, lips quirking in amusement at 'paramour'. "...I kind of like partner. Feels like we're a team." Which they are.
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"Maybe it's easier for me," he admitted, stroking lightly along Billy's side. "I don't need the labels. I could argue that most of my time here has been spent trying to shake off the labels others would give me. But if having a label, even if it's private to the two of us, would help settle your mind, we should choose one."
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"Heh," Billy was well aware of Soldier's dislike of labels. Even 'Soldier' was a label, and one Billy still felt distantly weird about. It had become a name by now in his mind, but occasionally he mourned for Soldier not having something kinder to be called.
"I think it would help," he agreed, "I didn't need it before now, I might not need it again, but having one if I do would help."
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He made a thoughtful noise, then turned to brush his lips across Billy's hair. "Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and relax. Imagine that we're not in some alien spaceport trying to find supplies to repair a ship, but instead we're somewhere, anywhere else. Together. What word would you use?"
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"...Partners," he said, more sure now than before. It felt right for them.
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His arm tightened protectively when Billy mentioned his brother's request, and the Soldier shifted subtly, but enough that should something come bursting into the room with the same request, the knife he had hidden at the head of the bed would be through the person's throat in a matter of seconds. "You said no of course." He felt relief that Billy shared his opinion of the request. "Is he the sort who would ask again?"
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Billy's gaze shifted softly to Soldier's eyes to reassure him, lifting his fingers to pet lightly over his jaw. "I said I don't do that, and never to ask me again. I don't think he will. Tommy doesn't ask for my magic usually. I don't even know if he was serious, but-"
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He leaned into that soft touch, closing his eyes just for a moment to focus on Billy's fingers. "But you shut it down before it could get to the point of a real suggestion. I'm proud of you."
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He stroked soothingly, and smiled, just watching Soldier's face for a moment, before carefully tucking his hair back behind an ear. "Thank you. I'm...proud of me to," he admitted with a laugh.
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Eyes fluttered closed, enjoying the touch for a moment when Billy brushed his hair back. He'd had it trimmed back, still on the long side but cleaner than years on the planet with little in the way of grooming services. "I'm glad."
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He liked seeing him like this though. Relaxed. Vulnerable. Trusting. He pet through his hair in silence for a moment, just studying his face. "...love you," he murmured softly.
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He couldn't answer those words, and hoped Billy wouldn't find that off-putting either. But he had a feeling that his partner understood, at least in that particular sentiment. Instead he brushed his lips against Billy's forehead again, allowed Billy to continue his explorations. Hopefully it was enough.
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"We get the share the present. That's the important part, right?"
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"Ask me something else instead," he offered. "Something you don't know."
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"What's your favourite place you've ever been?" he asked finally, thinking it was a safe enough question, not tied too much to his past but pushing just a little for Soldier to express preference which he knew could be difficult for him.
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"I remember traveling through Europe," he finally answered. "I hiked a lot, or hitched a ride on a freight train where I could. There were some peaceful times there, good scenery and quiet. I could almost forget I was on the run sometimes. It was a nice feeling."
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"...favourite book?" he posed next.
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