"Oh definitely. Which I get. Or...I try to get. But it's impossible to help him when he gets like that, and then we just...argue and I feel like a jerk." Both were probably true, honestly, Tommy's past and this place combined to make him extra stubborn and extra self defeating.
Billy's gaze shifted softly to Soldier's eyes to reassure him, lifting his fingers to pet lightly over his jaw. "I said I don't do that, and never to ask me again. I don't think he will. Tommy doesn't ask for my magic usually. I don't even know if he was serious, but-"
"Would it work to just shut down the conversation when he starts to argue?" Maybe if Tommy realized that Billy didn't want to argue, he'd stop some of the behavior. Or it could have the opposite effect and he'd lean more into the idea that he could never be happy because even his brother wouldn't talk to him. It was a tough situation to navigate.
He leaned into that soft touch, closing his eyes just for a moment to focus on Billy's fingers. "But you shut it down before it could get to the point of a real suggestion. I'm proud of you."
"Maybe...but it feels like we don't talk and then when we do there's so much that's been left unsaid and-" It was weird. Suddenly having family appear in your life. Half the time they were as close as possible, and the other half like old friends you see updates on Facebook about. "...it's probably just normal brother stuff. I don't know. My little brothers and I didn't fight like this, but they're younger. They just got on my nerves. Did you-?" Billy started and abruptly cut off the question as to whether Soldier had siblings at one point.
He stroked soothingly, and smiled, just watching Soldier's face for a moment, before carefully tucking his hair back behind an ear. "Thank you. I'm...proud of me to," he admitted with a laugh.
"I don't know," he answered Billy quietly. "I have almost no memories of my early life, and very few before I was drafted." Billy could probably extrapolate that the few memories he'd regained weren't the most pleasant; his time with HYDRA still dominated over them all.
Eyes fluttered closed, enjoying the touch for a moment when Billy brushed his hair back. He'd had it trimmed back, still on the long side but cleaner than years on the planet with little in the way of grooming services. "I'm glad."
"It's okay," Billy answered automatically. Not...okay. It wasn't okay what they'd taken from him.
He liked seeing him like this though. Relaxed. Vulnerable. Trusting. He pet through his hair in silence for a moment, just studying his face. "...love you," he murmured softly.
"I'm sorry I don't have much to share." He never would, he thought; there would always be gaps. The things he did remember were hardly fit for pleasant conversation. Hopefully Billy didn't find it too off-putting.
He couldn't answer those words, and hoped Billy wouldn't find that off-putting either. But he had a feeling that his partner understood, at least in that particular sentiment. Instead he brushed his lips against Billy's forehead again, allowed Billy to continue his explorations. Hopefully it was enough.
"It is important that you're feeling more settled too." The agitation of earlier seems to have seeped out of Billy and the Soldier was glad that he could bring his companion some peace. Having Billy close didn't feel suffocating either.
"Ask me something else instead," he offered. "Something you don't know."
Something else. Billy considered with a thoughtful hum.
"What's your favourite place you've ever been?" he asked finally, thinking it was a safe enough question, not tied too much to his past but pushing just a little for Soldier to express preference which he knew could be difficult for him.
"Ever?" It was a harder question than Billy might have intended and the Soldier idly stroked his thumb against Billy's side as he thought. The breadth of the question made him really have to examine it instead of giving Billy an easy answer.
"I remember traveling through Europe," he finally answered. "I hiked a lot, or hitched a ride on a freight train where I could. There were some peaceful times there, good scenery and quiet. I could almost forget I was on the run sometimes. It was a nice feeling."
"That sounds nice," Billy agreed, trying to picture it, "I saw a few places in Europe when we were looking for Wanda. It's got a whole different vibe from New York." He could understand why Soldier would feel safe there.
"I don't know. I didn't really read much, on the run. Newspapers, sometimes." Books didn't travel well; they took up precious space when one had to carry his entire life in a single backpack. He kept barely anything in the way of possessions back then, just what he could carry to move fast.
"Would you like to read more?" Billy asked, trying to sound neutral, but very clearly excited about the possibility of being able to recommend or even just help Soldier find some good books. "Got lots of time to ourselves these days."
"Maybe." They'd have plenty of work to do when they got back, especially if they were building a cabin. Reading might become an activity for the colder months, or inclement weather days. "You know that having quiet downtime never lasts for us. But you could recommend me something."
It was true, both their own plans and those of the forces that brought them their would likely call their attention away again before long. "I don't know if you're as nerdy as me, but I really liked the Lord of the Rings. Or um...maybe something more classic? Shakespeare?"
"It doesn't have to be something classic." He probably would enjoy reading something Billy liked, if only to have a point of commonality. "Maybe we should see if there's anything here, too." Spaceport literature? Anything was possible.
"We can do that," he agreed. "Figure out what genre and themes you might like after you read a few. I'm guessing war and stuff maybe wouldn't be ideal. Maybe not Lord of the Rings actually?" Was that too...close to home? Or was the fantasy element enough to distance it?
"Wasn't that the same guy who wrote The Hobbit? I read that one, but I don't remember all of it." It had been a while, even taking the HYDRA thing out. "Something something there and back again, there's a dragon and a mountain and some elves?"
Yeah, he remembered a lot less than he thought. But maybe rediscovering something with Billy would be nice.
"Yes-!" Okay, maybe a little too excited. Billy flushed and laughed at his own enthusiasm. "Uh- yeah, exactly. That one might be a good place to start, it's nice. A whole little adventure. The Lord of the Rings is...a whole lot of War. And other nicer stuff, but a lot of war. I haven't re-read either of them in a long time either."
"We can start there, if you want to." It wouldn't hurt to read it again, the Soldier thought. Especially not with Billy's enthusiasm for the story. "Do you think the Agrii would obtain it if we asked? Or are you going to wiggle your magic fingers at me?"
"I don't ask them for a lot, but it doesn't seem like something they could mess up too badly," Billy mused, "But I can always wiggle my fingers," he teased with a playful brush over Solder's side as if to tickle him. "Whichever you prefer."
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Billy's gaze shifted softly to Soldier's eyes to reassure him, lifting his fingers to pet lightly over his jaw. "I said I don't do that, and never to ask me again. I don't think he will. Tommy doesn't ask for my magic usually. I don't even know if he was serious, but-"
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He leaned into that soft touch, closing his eyes just for a moment to focus on Billy's fingers. "But you shut it down before it could get to the point of a real suggestion. I'm proud of you."
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He stroked soothingly, and smiled, just watching Soldier's face for a moment, before carefully tucking his hair back behind an ear. "Thank you. I'm...proud of me to," he admitted with a laugh.
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Eyes fluttered closed, enjoying the touch for a moment when Billy brushed his hair back. He'd had it trimmed back, still on the long side but cleaner than years on the planet with little in the way of grooming services. "I'm glad."
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He liked seeing him like this though. Relaxed. Vulnerable. Trusting. He pet through his hair in silence for a moment, just studying his face. "...love you," he murmured softly.
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He couldn't answer those words, and hoped Billy wouldn't find that off-putting either. But he had a feeling that his partner understood, at least in that particular sentiment. Instead he brushed his lips against Billy's forehead again, allowed Billy to continue his explorations. Hopefully it was enough.
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"We get the share the present. That's the important part, right?"
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"Ask me something else instead," he offered. "Something you don't know."
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"What's your favourite place you've ever been?" he asked finally, thinking it was a safe enough question, not tied too much to his past but pushing just a little for Soldier to express preference which he knew could be difficult for him.
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"I remember traveling through Europe," he finally answered. "I hiked a lot, or hitched a ride on a freight train where I could. There were some peaceful times there, good scenery and quiet. I could almost forget I was on the run sometimes. It was a nice feeling."
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"...favourite book?" he posed next.
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Yeah, he remembered a lot less than he thought. But maybe rediscovering something with Billy would be nice.
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